Unwilling Soldier
by TechnoScribe
Summary: Physical and Psychological Whumping. McKay Centric. Survival in a hostile galaxy requires a sacrifice.


As a leader for her people, with the responsibilities of negotiating trade, Teyla Emmagen had learned from a young age to look past the words and mannerisms to see the true motivations and needs of others. The skill had brought many profitable trade agreements, first to her village, and now also to the people of Atlantis.

It also often proved helpful in understanding the behaviour of the Atlantean's. Particularly that of the two human members of her team.

At first glance the two men seemed as different as two people could be.

Colonel John Sheppard was very much a people person. So much so, that when he decided he wanted to keep people at a distance he actually had to physically relocate himself to an unpopulated corner of his home world… and still ended up being invited on a great adventure and soon building friendships. She also knew him to be fiercely protective of those who he was responsible for, particularly those he was close to. She thought that his greatest fear was that he might let down those he was responsible for a cared for and that they would pay the ultimate price for it. That greatest fear was something she believed that he and Dr. McKay both shared.

Dr. Rodney McKay was not a people person. When he wanted to keep people at a distance they soon relocated themselves and carried their bruised ego's away with them. But beneath that, Teyla recognized Rodney McKay to be one of the most gentle spirits she had known. He did not know how to wish true harm upon another human being. She had seen him try to talk enemies away, but never raise a fist. She'd watched him weave elaborate distractions so his team-mates could get the drop on the enemy. She had seen him bravely go willingly with Kolya, a man who had once tortured him, to seek out a ZPM so that his team could live. Even when Kolya was defeated and prone, Dr. McKay showed no desire to cause harm to Kolya for what he had done.

Colonel Sheppard had shown that desire, but refrained.

It was this hidden quality within the acerbic scientist that had drawn John Sheppard to perhaps be more protective of Rodney McKay than any other member of his team, and most of the Atlantis Expedition. Though he did not recognize it, John often viewed and treated Rodney as an older brother would… rivalry and banter included.

It was this protectiveness, combined with fear that had triggered a seething, irrational, rage within Col. Sheppard today; a rage that remained within Sheppard all the way back to the Stargate.

Sheppard's judgement today was clouded and his behaviour was unbefitting to the situation. Teyla could understand the source of the Colonel's behaviour, but she wondered if the Satedan had been with them long enough to be able to read them all as well. Colonel Sheppard was angry because he was afraid he had failed Dr. McKay. He was afraid that he had both failed to protect his friend, and failed to sufficiently equip his friend to protect himself.

Ronon walked with his sword drawn and watched the surrounding area for enemies. Now and then he sent a disapproving glare at Sheppard's back and a concerned glance to Teyla and McKay. The trained warrior would not openly voice his disagreement with their leader until they'd reached safety and were certainly out of battle. Teyla stayed near Dr. McKay, seeing that he did not fall behind. When Ronon caught her eye she let him know with a look that she shared his concern.

They reached the gate quickly. Teyla ran ahead, dialled and sent through her IDC. John keyed his radio, his voice tight, "Atlantis, this is Sheppard. We have wounded. We may have hostiles on our tail." He sent a quick glare to where Rodney stood, disarmed and cradling his wounded arm, before quickly ushering the team through the gate.

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-about half an hour ago-

Teyla, Ronon, and Sheppard raced through the trees towards the valley where Dr. McKay had left them to explore some ruins with a guide from the local city. He had done so on many occasions during the past couple of weeks of negotiation. Dr. McKay had no way of knowing that this time his guide was a Dagoran.

The Dagoran's were a sect of religious zealots, sworn to kill anyone who came through the gate. Sheppard was furious that the locals hadn't thought to warn he and his team about these nut-cases. The scary part was that these nutcases had numbers. They had built up followers in the city since the Wraith had awoken, and now they had an army.

The war was won for the Dagoran's almost as soon as it had begun; leaving Sheppard and his team fighting to get out of enemy territory. The attack on the city had come from both outside and from within. It was sudden and unexpected. The former leaders of the city were all dead. Just getting away from the city had expended all their ammo. Ronon's gun was damaged, having been hit a stray enemy bullet.

The people of this world used primitive, single-round guns. Had they had anything more advanced there was no way the team would have been able to make it out.

As if all that wasn't bad enough, Dr. McKay wasn't answering his radio.

The three finally broke the tree-line and looked down to scan the valley for any signs of their physicist.

When they peered down and saw Rodney with his side arm levelled on the traitorous tour guide, while he backed away to a safe distance, they almost laughed with relief. McKay was resourceful and smart. He'd figured it out. But their smiles fell when the Dagoran lifted his weapon and took aim at McKay. Rodney hadn't fired! He was frozen!

"McKay! Shoot!" Sheppard yelled in panic. He didn't shoot. He flinched and dodged. Sheppard could see a short spray of blood hit the air, but McKay was still standing. It had hit his arm.

The traitor immediately began to reload his musket-like weapon. He poured in powder and stuffed down a bullet. Ronon and Teyla sprinted down the side of the valley, but there was no way they could make it in time.

"McKay! Fire!" Ronon yelled as he ran full speed.

The Dagoran raised his weapon to take aim. He wasn't going to miss this time.

"Rodney!" Sheppard called desperately, his breath hitching in his throat as he ran towards his friend as fast as his legs would carry him.

Then, as if the hesitation wasn't deadly enough, Rodney closed his eyes and turned his head away from the threat. A gun shot rang out through the valley, and Sheppard was sure his own heart stopped. Or was it time that had stopped? He watched helplessly. Which one had fired? Which one?

The Dagoran fell to the ground and didn't move. Rodney fell to his knees at the same time. Sheppard's mind raced to replay the scene. Had they both fired at the same instant?

Teyla stopped a short distance from Rodney and began to rip the first aid kit from her pack. Ronan ran straight for the Dagoran, to make certain he was dead and unable to do more harm. Sheppard slid to his knees in front of Rodney and took the scientist by the shoulders, checking him for extra bullet holes. He found none. The wound on his arm wasn't bleeding seriously. The bullet was still lodged inside but it was in a good location. As good a location as a bullet in the arm could be really. He could hardly believe the scientists luck!

What had McKay been thinking? Stupid son of a… an irrational anger overwhelmed his concern and John began to roughly shake his friend while yelling, "What the hell did you think you were doing?"

"Colonel!" Teyla's calm but stern voice of reason broke through and he stopped shaking the injured man, "Colonel, let go of him."

His control regained, Sheppard backed off to stand in front of the scientist. He wasn't done yet. He clenched his fists and glowered down at McKay. "You do NOT fire a WEAPON with your eyes closed! EVER!" He let that sink in as the scientists surprised eyes looked up at him.

"Colonel… I," the scientist began, while attempting to conceal a guilty expression.

But Sheppard wouldn't let him finish. He held out his hand sharply, his expression all military discipline, "Your weapon." Rodney hesitated. "Now."

Rodney handed over his side-arm, wordlessly.

"Not a word from anyone until we reach the Stargate." Sheppard looked pointedly at Rodney, "I don't want you alerting enemy forces to our location."

Teyla dressed the wound swiftly. The ruins were not far from the gate, and Beckett would be able to do a far better job of removing the bullet.

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Dr. Weir was rushing towards the gate when they arrived. She wore a worried expression that deepened drastically when she saw the bloodied bandage on Rodney's arm. "What happened? Rodney!"

"Hurts like hell. But it's not serious. Not that I won't accept sympathy and chocolate!" Dr. McKay said lightly in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

But this only served to antagonize Sheppard more, as though Rodney were trying to belittle what could have happened. He rounded on the scientist and fixed him with an accusing look, "You could have been killed!"

"I'm aware of that Colonel, thank-you," Rodney bit out sarcastically. But his heart wasn't in it.

Ronon and Teyla exchanged yet another look of concern. John was not handling this properly, but he was still too emotional to see that.

"Good!" John barked as though to one of his marines, "As soon as Beckett clears you I'm assigning you to more training." To punctuate his point, Sheppard held the confiscated side-arm out to the scientist.

Rodney took it and looked at it, a mixture of emotions running briefly through his eyes before settling on anger. "No."

John rolled his eyes and clenched his teeth, as though McKay were only going to protest against the exercise or the time away from his lab. "McKay…" he said in a warning tone.

"No more training!" McKay yelled it as he ejected the clip and tossed the gun hard on the floor.

Sheppard stared at the gun on the floor, stuck momentarily speechless. How many gun rules did McKay plan to break in one day?

"It won't help. I'm not a soldier. I'll never be a soldier. I don't WANT to be a… be a…." McKay seemed to lose focus and he trailed off as he followed Sheppard's gaze down to the gun on the floor. "I'm sorry John. I can't do this anymore." Suddenly he turned and walked away, picking up speed until he was at a dead run out the door and down the halls of Atlantis.

It was then that reality came crashing down on Sheppard. Rodney wasn't a soldier. It was Rodney's first kill. First human kill. He wasn't trained for that. Dammit. "Rodney…" He said it too quietly and too late.

"Dammit!" Sheppard swore out-loud this time and kicked himself inwardly. He keyed his radio, "Rodney, I'm sorry….. Rodney, please come back."

There was a long pause.

'Col. Sheppard. This is Major Lorne,' the voice replied out of Sheppard's radio, 'Dr. McKay dropped his radio in the hall. I have it here.'

Sheppard cursed, "Alright. Where is he now?"

Lorne hesitated before answering regretfully, 'He went into a transporter, sir.' Meaning he could be anywhere, 'He, uh, looked pretty upset.'

"Where's my patient?" The Scottish voice broke in as his staff wheeled a gurney behind him. Confusion became evident on his face as he took in the healthy appearance of the three warriors, then concern as he asked, "Where's Rodney?"

"Sheppard chased him away," Ronon answered matter-of-factly, and he levelled a disapproving glare on Colonel Sheppard for good measure. Sheppard's only answer was to look guilty as hell.

"Well, is he injured or not then?" The Scottish accent was thickening. Not a good sign for any who knew him.

Teyla pushed by Ronon, and Carson noticed that she was carrying both her and Rodney's pack, "He is wounded. It is not serious, but the bullet is still within his arm."

"Of all the bloody…" He flipped on his radio, "Rodney, where…" There was an echo effect… and the physician scowled darkly as his eyes fell on the radio in Lorne's hand. "He doesn't 'ave his radio?"

"He has most likely headed to the infirmary on his own," Teyla suggested diplomatically.

"Right ye are Lass," He sighed irritably and turned to his staff, "Go back to the infirmary and call me if he isn't there before you." He turned back to the remaining members of Rodney's team. "I want ye t'tell me exactly what happened."

"Let's go to my office for a quick debriefing, shall we?" Dr Weir levelled a stern look on all three that allowed no argument.

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"You WHAT!" Elizabeth did not look pleased with the expeditions Military leader.

Sheppard hung his head in shame and repeated himself, "I reprimanded him…. Pretty badly…."

Elizabeth leaned forward and placed both hands on her desk, "John! He's not a…"

"Not a soldier. I know. I messed up. Big time." He looked like he'd just ran over his puppy and shot his best friend all in the same day.

Carson took one look at that sad shamed face and bit back the scolding he wanted to give. Instead he called the infirmary for about the tenth time in twice as many minutes, "Infirmary, this is Dr. Beckett. Is Dr McKay there yet?"

'No Doctor.'

He closed his eyes and sighed in frustration, "Right, he's had half an hour. That's more than enough time for him t'calm himself down and make 'is own way there. I think it's time t'go find 'im."

"Agreed," Elizabeth fixed John with another reproachful look before leading the way back out of her office and to the control room. Lorne was waiting there with McKay's radio still in hand. "Major," she acknowledged the man responsible for city security, "Dr. McKay has not turned up in the infirmary."

"Understood," He turned to one of the technicians, "Bring up the city wide life-signs detector please. Maybe we can spot him on his own somewhere."

A splattering of dots in a map of the city appeared on the main view screen. None of them were solitary. Where-ever he was, Sheppard figured, he must not be alone. Maybe he'd slipped into a lab and started working. Not exactly a normal thing to do with a bullet in your arm, but McKay probably wasn't feeling normal.

Dr. Weir considered the view screen before addressing a technician, "Open a comm. channel to all of Atlantis." The technician gave her a nod when it was done. "Dr McKay. This is Dr Weir. If you can hear me, please respond." Minutes of uncomfortable silence passed. "Rodney. Please contact Dr Beckett or myself. We're very concerned. ………"

More long minutes passed before Weir indicated that the technician should switch the comm. system off again. Dr. Beckett called the infirmary and confirmed that no-one there had yet seen or heard McKay.

If someone was with McKay, wouldn't they have called by now? And even if he had somehow cheated the detector, it was damn odd for McKay to stay out of contact after being called by Dr. Weir like that. But Sheppard noticed that Major Lorne didn't look all that surprised. "Lorne… how upset did Dr. McKay look?"

"Well… uh…" Lorne shifted uncomfortably before looking away and mumbling, "He was crying sir."

Aw hell. There was dull thud as Sheppard's head impacted with a nearby wall. As if he hadn't already felt like he had the 'Worlds worst leader and friend' tattooed across his forehead, now he knew he'd reduced one of the most sarcastic and thick skinned men in two galaxies to tears.

Dr Weir sighed and accepted that McKay wasn't going to come out on his own, and indicated to the technician that she would address the city again, "Everyone. By now you are aware that Dr McKay is missing. He is also injured. If anyone has seen him in the past 40 minutes or so, or think you may know where he might be now, please report to me."

A few reports came in, but no-one had seen him since he entered the transporter. A few people checked the labs and his room, and even the kitchens and reported that he was not in any of his usual haunts. McKay had now been missing for over an hour.

When reports had slowed and almost stopped Dr. Zelenka wandered into the control room, trying to look casual but obviously concerned. Dr Weir nodded and smiled at him in acknowledgement, "We haven't found him yet."

Carson folded his arms, looking helpless and annoyed at being helpless, "By now that bullet in his arm could be getting serious. If he goes into shock he might not be able to respond. And there's always a chance it was more serious than was originally thought and he's already incapacitated. That could be why he hasn't responded."

Zelenka moved into action, taking over the console that controlled the life-signs detector, "Then we should try to isolate all these other life-signs from his. Move them into specific areas so we can pick out the one that does not move and remains apart."

Dr Weir nodded and addressed the city for the third time, "This is Dr Weir… I'm afraid that Dr. McKay is still missing. I ask that for the next short while you confine yourselves to the commissary, the training rooms, and the main lab. If you are not there now, please go there. Hopefully this won't take long."

Immediately clusters of white dots flowed towards the designated areas… until none were left. Sheppard's heart clenched in his chest for the second time that day. Where was McKay's life sign? Lorne had said he was upset enough to be in tears. He'd never taken a life before… Would he have…? No. Beckett said it could be more serious than they'd thought… Dammit.

Teyla's eyes widened at the screen and she voiced Sheppard's near-frantic worries, "Does that mean he is no longer living!"

"Not necessarily," Dr. Zelenka began to explain, "There are a few areas throughout the city that are pockets where the detector is confused by strong power in those areas, or by positioning. The areas are small. Enough to hide a form that is not moving. Dr McKay would know where all of these are. He was working on a way to fix the problem."

"Where are they?" Ronon asked impatiently. He was tired of standing around and waiting.

"They are mostly in unexplored or damaged areas of the city. The research will be in his lab. I will go and get it?" He looked to Dr. Weir. She nodded and he didn't waste any time.

With a deep sigh she addressed Atlantis for the fourth time, "Thank-you for your patience and co-operation thus far. We are now forming search parties. We may need to enter unexplored areas of the city… so I am asking for volunteers. We will meet and form teams in the gate-room."

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The turn-out was huge, and only a skeleton crew was left manning the control-room and monitoring the few experiments that couldn't be safely left.

Zelenka tried to trace transporter use from the control room. He figured out the last thirty areas the transporter McKay had used had gone to, and narrowed it down to ten using the relative time index that he likely used the transporter. Unfortunately, it had been a busy area. Teams went to those area's and Radek continued to check for patterns in transporter use for those ten areas, and the areas after that…

Search parties spread throughout the city, and an alarming trend became noticeable. A rift had opened up in the ranks. There were teams of scientists searching, and teams of soldiers searching. The few that mixed out of necessity were hostile. When a team of soldiers crossed a team of scientists, the scientists would scowl accusingly and the marines would shift their gaze away.

It seemed that all the scientists were blaming all the marines. There had been a number of witnesses to the altercation between Sheppard and McKay. Word of the Colonels treatment of the traumatized scientist had spread quickly once McKay was missing. Most of the scientists never went off world, preferring the relative safety of the city. The few that did go off world had there missions assigned and carefully vetted by Dr. McKay. They saw only the safest worlds, where good relations had already been established or where there were no people. And so when McKay would come diving ungracefully through the wormhole with wraith beams shooting overhead, or limping tiredly and complaining all the way to the infirmary, the marines would roll their eyes and give him condescending looks, while the scientists were just quietly grateful it wasn't them. But now it was personal. If a marine dared approach a scientist they quickly got an earful of long complicated words, sometimes foreign.

This was not good at all.

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He knew he'd messed up badly. He knew he was a coward. Teyla, Ronon, and Sheppard were always fighting his battles. They'd killed how many Wraith, beasts, bugs, and men to protect him? He couldn't even manage one with his eyes open.

The rational part of McKay told him that he'd had to defend himself. It was him or crazy zealot musket man. But he still hadn't wanted to do it. He kept hoping that the other guy would see reason, would see the total and utter pointless stupidity of it all, and put his gun away. Stupid McKay. Some genius. He was lucky he'd hit the broad side of a barn with his eyes closed. No wonder Colonel Sheppard was furious. He should have known better. He knew he should have known better. He'd let John down; John, and Teyla, and Ronon.

He knew he'd already been away longer than he'd intended. He'd just wanted some time to clear his head. The expectations, the responsibilities, and the failure, were all just too much somehow. He had to think about something else before he could face that again. Rodney knew he should go see Carson, his arm had stopped stinging and gone numb.

All this he knew as he lay staring up at the sky on top of one of the ruined towers of Atlantis, where he knew the life signs detector wouldn't reach him and he could sort out his thoughts before facing the reprimand for his failure. Dr. Rodney McKay knew many things. He knew he'd killed a man. What he needed to know before he could face anyone else was how he felt about that. That was the one thing he really didn't know, and it made him feel lost.

He thought maybe he should go back. He wasn't sure how long he had been there. It was cold and getting harder to think. But it didn't matter. What mattered was he'd killed a person. What would Carson think of that? Would Carson ever kill a person? What would the other scientists think of that? McKay the killer. McKay the murderer… But it was self defence. It was so hard to think.

His emotions spun him into exhaustion and he fell into a fretful sleep.

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It was nearly morning and they'd been searching through the night. No-one believed that the scientist had remained hidden this long by choice. They were running out of sensor pockets to search and some of the men and scientists were beginning to whisper suggestions about searching elsewhere, for a body. Ronon glared daggers whenever he heard the suggestion. Sheppard would have too, if every member of the science staff weren't already sending threatening looks his way whenever they crossed paths. It was damned unnerving.

Ronon, Teyla, and Sheppard called out Rodney's name as they once again delved deeper into the bowels of Atlantis, to some obscure corner. It was dark, enclosed and unpleasant. Most of these sensor pockets were. Sheppard held his breath as he shined his flash-light into the area. McKay wasn't there. Hardly surprising. But all the pockets in McKay's files were in places like this.

Sheppard sighed and cursed in frustration, "Sheppard to Zelenka."

'Zelenka here.' The Czech's tone was not encouraging. He sounded as though he too were close to giving up.

"He's not here." The annoyance and fatigue was heavy on his voice.

'There is another pocket in the next level down.' The Czech supplied, though he didn't sound as though he thought it would yield any better results. The transporter trail had run dry hours ago. They were now simply systematically searching sensor pockets. There weren't many for the size of the city. But it was a very big city.

"Let me guess. Is it dark, enclosed, and generally unpleasant?" Sheppard asked irritably.

'Yes. That would be an accurate description. Why?'

Teyla nodded her agreement with Sheppard. They weren't going to find Rodney down here. She said as much to Dr. Zelenka, "Because Dr. McKay does not like enclosed spaces. I don't think he would go anyplace like this. Wouldn't he want to feel safe?"

"Aren't there any places higher up where he could be hiding?" Sheppard refused accept that McKay was anything other than perfectly alive and waiting to be found.

'I am afraid that all of the naturally occurring sensor pockets are low down and… wait… McKay was studying the naturally occurring pockets that were a fault in the ancient systems….' That's the sound Sheppard wanted to here. Radek sounded hopeful again.

"And….?"

'This does not include areas where detection is not working because of damage from Wraith attack or storm. Here. There is a tower that was badly damaged. It is wide open space. The intercom is not functioning there. And there is an artificial pocket in the life signs detector range, caused by damage to systems.'

"That sounds more like McKay," Ronon agreed.

'I will direct Dr. Beckett and the nearest team to that location.'

Several long minutes passed like hours as Sheppard and his team waited to hear if their hunch had been right. Sheppard hadn't thought the muscles in his neck could tense any further, but they did. Letting Rodney down this badly had been a nightmare. Teyla seemed to understand that as she lay a comforting hand on his shoulder.

'Colonel Sheppard. This is Major Lorne. We found him. He's alive. Beckett's got him.'

Sheppard leaned against the wall and slid down it in relief. He took a moment to take a few deep breaths before speaking into his head-set again, "How is he?"

'He was unconscious. Beckett didn't look happy.' Of course, the physician probably hadn't stopped to share a prognosis at that moment.

Dammit. Returned to his now familiar state of worry Sheppard rose and led the way back to the main city. It would take them at least an hour to get back.

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Rodney awoke to the familiar sound of a steady beep and the sensation of an IV strapped to his arm.

"Rodney?" The familiar Scottish voice held a tone of questioning.

"Last time I checked. And I must say that if you don't know that much I'll find it difficult to be confident in the rest of your prognosis." He tried to lift his arm to his head and found that the IV tugged uncomfortably. He swore they used the shortest tubes just to annoy him.

"Aye, it's you alright! Cheeky bugger." Carson was almost too pleased to see Rodney finally waking up to be annoyed… almost.

Rodney cracked his eyes open and stared up at the ceiling. It was dark. It must be night-time. "So, what is the prognosis, oh Scottish Guru – Healer of Farm-Animals? I don't have mad-cow disease, do I?"

"Ye'll be fine, now. Ye slept all day. But ye had hypothermia. Ye went into shock. Yer arm was starting up what could have been a nasty infection from havin' that bullet in it so long. Yer lucky it wasn't lead!"

Rodney winced at what was, again, not one of his brightest moments. "Yeah. I guess I've been lucky, huh."

"Rodney! Ye've had us worried near t'death. What were ye doin' out there so long? And I'm sure I don't need to tell you now how dangerous it was to hide where we couldn't find ye in your condition." Carson really hadn't intended to chew Rodney out as soon as he was awake. He'd refused all visitors to prevent just that. But he'd been worried sick.

The physician knew he'd made a mistake when Rodney turned away guiltily, "I know. You're right. I wasn't thinking… I had to think…"

"Aye Lad. No need to apologize now. Ye rest now." He turned to leave his patient to rest but a still weak hand took hold of his arm. He looked back down to Rodney in surprise. He pushed people away so often, even now it came as something of a surprise to be finding Rodney doing the opposite.

Rodney still felt he needed to explain. "I needed a chance to figure out what I thought about what I did, before all this…. Carson. I killed someone. I needed to figure out what I thought about that." Expressive blue eyes pleaded for understanding.

Carson took the hand of his patient and friend, "I can understand that. Did ye decide?"

Rodney searched the physicians eyes for disapproval, and finding none considered his question for a moment, "Ya. I think I decided he had it coming."

"That he did." The physician agreed whole heartedly.

"Aren't you supposed to be all pacifist and into preserving life and stuff?" Rodney really did look surprised at Carson's approval.

So Carson elaborated, "It was self defence Rodney. I'd have done the same in your situation. In case ye hadn't noticed, I have a gun too. It's not just for decoration. It was you or him, and frankly I'd rather ye be the one that lived."

Rodney digested that for a moment then offered Carson his second confession, "I fired with my eyes closed. Not the smartest thing I've ever done."

"Nae, but it's human." Carson settled into a seat while his patient's eyes began to drift closed again. Rodney would still need a bit of rest before he'd be up and about again.

"Carson?"

"Aye?"

"Am I a coward?"

"Far from it, Lad."

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Rodney opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling again. He was aware of a silent presence in the chair near him. He didn't need to turn his head to know it was Sheppard this time, not Carson. "I can start training first thing tomorrow."

There was a sigh and muffled curse… "Rodney. I'm sorry. I know you're not a soldier."

"I am now." The scientist countered stubbornly.

Sheppard's tone was something between pleading and annoyed, "Rodney… no you're not. You don't have to be..."

Rodney interrupted and now glared angrily, "Yes, Sheppard. I do. It's… there are more threats than just the Wraith out there. I need to be able to watch your back. Yours, Teyla's, and Ronon's. I need to be able to shoot at more than the Wraith or those wacked out bug things, or…I need to be able to shoot people. "

"And when Teyla's or Ronon's or my life is in danger I don't think you'll have a problem with that. I don't doubt for a minute that you'll do whatever it takes to save your team." John looked his friend straight in the eye and put all his conviction into that. He needed Rodney to understand that he hadn't let them down. It was the other way around. "It's you saving you that worries me. I thought for sure that guy was going to kill you and there was nothing I or Ronon or Teyla could do to stop him. I was terrified that you weren't going to stop him. … So here's what I'm going to do. Starting from now, we stick in pairs. No-one goes alone with any natives no matter how well we think we may trust their intentions. Watching your back was our job, not one of the local tour guides. I screwed up. Not you. Got that?"

Rodney wanted to argue, but knew Sheppard was too stubborn and he really just wanted to go back to sleep right now. "Yeah… Thanks."

What Sheppard didn't know, wouldn't hurt him.

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It had been a couple of weeks since the incident. Lorne gave it that long before he decided the scientist was pushing himself too hard, and he reported it to Beckett… and Beckett called McKay's team.

"The first indication was that some of the guns were warm and some of the targets were showing signs of use." Lorne explained as he guided them down the dimmed halls in the early hours of the morning. It was a little after 3:30 am. "I figured he just needed to work it out of his system, so I kept an eye on him from up here. But if anything, he's pushing himself harder. And, sir… I don't like the way he's been eyeing the marine's obstacle course."

The sound of distant gun-fire could be heard as they approached one of the high balconies that over looked the military training area.

"He has done this every night?" Teyla asked with concern.

"Every single night," Lorne confirmed, letting is fatigue show. That was a lot of early mornings. "Even weekends."

When they looked down to the training area below, McKay could be seen re-holstering his side arm and picking up a much larger looking gun. Around him lay several open manuals, and he paused to look at one of them before turning back to the targets.

"Is that safe?" Beckett asked in alarm.

"Not really," Lorne confessed. No-one was supposed to practice alone. McKay should have a spot, "But he's followed every other rule… and like I said I've been keeping an eye on him since I figured out what he was doing. He started with the P-90. He's a good shot. He doesn't move on to the next type of fire-arm until he can hit the bulls-eye every time."

As John watched he realized the moment McKay had fired that gun, they'd lost a part of him that they were never going to get back. "I can't stop him… Can I?"

"No." It was a fact, and Ronon stated it. "Want me to train him?"

John shook his head without taking his eyes off McKay, "I'll do it. It's my responsibility."

"That's a bad idea." Ronon was a man of few words.

Sometimes that could be annoying. Like right now. Sheppard was forced to put the pieces together himself and he didn't really want to have to admit Ronon was right. He was the wrong person to train McKay. He'd be over-protective, short-tempered, and hold him back. "Alright. You do it. Teyla, if he wants to learn hand to hand you teach him." The Satedan looked at Sheppard for explanation, "I don't want Ronon to snap him in two."

Teyla nodded assent and understanding. Like it or not. Dr. Rodney McKay wasn't just a scientist anymore.


End file.
